Funds Flows #1 – “My [Brother] is Gone - I’ll Get it Alone”

I can’t talk about my successes authentically without revealing my pain. The vibe and lyrics of Dave East’s “Handsome (Remix)” capture where my heart and mind were during a rock bottom that started in 2019 and honestly took a few years to overcome. The title and hook suggest the kind of self-confidence and self-esteem necessary for entrepreneurship, but the first verse focuses on struggle. For me, it speaks to feelings of desperation, feelings of loss and loneliness, and a resolve to overcome all of that - even if I have to grind solo, drawing on promises to myself and to those no longer with me. 

Musically, this sampled, story kind of beat provides a soulful canvas for Dave’s blunt, raw delivery. 

Over this laid-back Mike & Keys/Little Island production, East hits the listener out the gate with a simple but powerful declaration regarding integrity, a commitment to his principles: “I won’t break the code”

This is not an integrity that hasn’t been tested, the very next lines speak to trauma and loss in a vulnerable and authentic way.

“Young n**** tryin' not to die, we just pray that we get old
My n***** is gone”

Nowhere near a life “in the field” that East describes, I can, however, relate to the feeling of deep loss he conveys. I have no criminal record and I’ve never been involved in a life of crime or violence other than stupid club/street fights as a much younger man. But in 2019, while I was going through divorce, family court battles, and a career crisis, I lost one of my short list of real friends to a drug-related death. 

We met in 2012 when I was a paralegal and he was a summer intern at the same law firm. We ended up going to the same law school, and quickly went from friends to brothers. We were just as comfortable hitting the club as chilling at the crib watching sports, talking into the late hours about any and everything. Many of those nights my “lil” bro would clean out whatever food I had cooked and crash his 6’4 frame on my couch because it was too late to take the long train ride back from Midwood BK to Harlem. 

When my lil’ bro passed in 2019, the feelings of loss and guilt I felt (on top of the hopelessness I was already experiencing due to my life falling apart) were crippling. My “trying not to die” was not dodging street violence, but battling my own inner demons and not wanting to keep living. Reminiscing still bring tears to my eyes today.

Dave East speaks of not only of loss and desperation in that first verse, but also loneliness. 

“I been in the zone
Calling my n***** from jail, just praying they pick up the phone”

It’s one thing to be at the bottom, it’s another to feel isolated and friendless. Again, no jail time for me ever, but during my dark period, I was stuck in a prison of loneliness (largely self-inflicted) and isolation from my loved ones. This was due to shame over my failures and a desire to hide from slander of other people. In my head - and this was a mistake - it didn’t even make sense to pick up the phone and call friends or family. 

This verse isn’t about being stuck, however, it’s about a resolve to overcome no matter what. While East first expresses his pain and inability to rely on others, he ends his verse expressing hunger and a drive to succeed. 

“Tried to get n***** to come get it with mе

If they was too busy, I'll get it alone

“I'm not like you n*****, ain't wanna be broke

When it got cold, I wanted a coat
My uncle was tripping, he wanted some dope
I'm tryna be the richest lil' n**** you know
This paper get thrown, see who pick up the most”

It took time, and I definitely didn’t do it without support - God, my family, other brothers, and new love - but like Dave I was able to find the audacity to want more than where my life was headed. Audacity to say out loud I “ain’t wanna be broke.” Audacity to do what I needed to first acknowledge and then start handling my basic needs (“when it was cold, I wanted a coat”). Audacity to strive beyond survival and to aspire “to be the richest…you know” despite not being worth much in some people’s eyes. 

Like Dave East, the world may be starting to seeing me as more desirable now (“now they calling me handsome”) as a man and a professional - but I know that if the world ever turns on me again, I can get it without them. No matter what happens, I won’t break my code. My lil’ bro would have it no other way.

And I dare you to “see who pick up the most” when there’s money flying around.

RIP Chris